


The Testament of Tom Mason: or, The remarkable Account of the Highwayman turn'd Sodomite, by Himself

by ancientreader



Category: 18th Century CE RPF
Genre: M/M, also hm this isn't exactly RPF, author is grateful to have read Moll Flanders in college, because although Munn existed and so did the barber, because ventriloquism is hard, fanfic of an 18th-century sensational pamphlet, specifically a fix-it, the barber is anonymous in the original account
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-20
Packaged: 2021-03-17 03:47:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29586765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ancientreader/pseuds/ancientreader
Summary: I once lov’d the Ladies as well as Any Man; but Cupid’s Dart strikes where it will, as I have good cause to know, for I was struck, & struck hard, when I was about four-and-twenty years of age.
Relationships: highwayman/barber
Comments: 13
Kudos: 18





	The Testament of Tom Mason: or, The remarkable Account of the Highwayman turn'd Sodomite, by Himself

**Author's Note:**

> This nonsense got its start on Valentine's Day, when the [_Guardian_](https://www.theguardian.com/books/2021/feb/13/highwaymans-1750-confessions-reveal-unusual-ambivalence-about-gay-sex) published an article about a confessional pamphlet including the autobiography of an 18th-century highwayman, Thomas Munn, who was hanged for his crimes, or, more properly, hanged because English law was very free with the death penalty back then. The remarkable feature of Munn's account is that he includes the story of a man making a pass at him, to which Munn reacts by threatening violence -- but on further consideration Munn decides the sodomite's really not any worse than he is, and after the man apologizes to him the next morning they part amicably. 
> 
> Off Munn goes to his life of crime, etc., and as far as the narrative in the pamphlet is concerned the two men never see each other again. Well! I immediately wrote to [TSylvestris](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TSylvestris/pseuds/TSylvestris) saying "OMG HOW BADLY DOES THERE NEED TO BE FANFIC OF THIS BUT WITH A HAPPY ENDING," to which she replied, approximately, "OMG YES," and, well, here we are. 
> 
> The Horsham Museum, which owns the pamphlet, made a [blog post](https://horshammuseum.org/collections/blog/posts/a-perfect-valentines-match-for-lgbtq-history-month) about it that includes images of a few pages; but as far as I could discover, the full text isn't available online. So I've made up most of Thomas Munn's history; I also moved his imprisonment from Chelmsford to London, because I know London, and London history, a little bit but I know jackshit about Chelmsford.

I will relate how it came to be, that tho’ Guilty of divers Crimes, I came in the end to look to every outward Eye Respectable, tho’ still as wicked a Villain as ever got clear of the Hangman. Well, that is what the Vicar would say; but I don’t pay the likes of _him_ much Mind.

I once lov’d the Ladies as well as Any Man; but Cupid’s Dart strikes where it will, as I have good cause to know, for I was struck, & struck hard, when I was about four-and-twenty years of age. Mr. Tredwell, in Huspar-Pont, in Sussex employed me there as a Brick-maker; he being a good Master, gave half a day on Saturday, & all Sunday, free. Tho’ careful of my _Coin,_ I could go about with the other Young Men of the Village; only, never when I wasn’t sure I could pay my Reckoning. So frugal was I, I put by Money enough to buy me a good Horse; which, I riding it, & neat in my Dress, gave me the Character of a Gentleman.

But the Season of Brick-making being over, I commenced to look out some Employment for the Winter-time, &, no one hiring on in Huspar-pont, I went riding the Country roundabout, & so I came in time to Southampton. For want of Work I had sold my Horse some days Previous; I was anxious to get some Business, not desiring to pass a hungry Winter.

The Inn I stop’d at in Southampton was the _Pyed-Horse_ , & there it was that Cupid found me.

The Son of the people that kept the House was a Barber; he had a Shop belonging to the Inn. Will Porter was his Name. He had a _ready Tongue_ for Chat & his Manner was like to invite the World to be his Friend; he and I both passing our Evenings at the Pyed-Horse, we soon fell into a regular Habit of sitting together at Table & talking over the Events of the Day.

Now Cupid was nocking his Arrow, tho’ I did not know it yet. I fancy now that I had only to Listen Close, & I would have heard the Bow-String going tight.

I stay’d in _Southampton_ a Fortnight, but finding no Work, and growing anxious for my Prospects made up my mind to go toward London the next Day. I went up to my Bed early, meaning to rise early too, when Will Porter knock’d upon the Door. Let me come in, said he, for I have Friends coming to meet me here, and your Window looks out upon the Road. So I invited him to make free of the Chamber, and he sat by the Window and look’d out.

Being restless & full of Thought of the following Day & of how I might get my Bread, I didn’t put my Head down, but sat up in Bed and commenced to chat with Will; and so we talked an Hour or more till he, throwing up his Hands, said it seemed plain his Friends weren’t coming after all. Let me lie down with you, he said: the Night being Cold and he having been far from the Fire, his Fingers had gone Blue, so I agreed, and put the Blanket over him.

So we went on talking; Will not seeming to regret his Friends’ Absence, but merry as ever, so that we both laughed like to wake the Fellow in the next Chamber. & Will set his Finger on my Lips to quiet me. & we lay still. & then Will did what I had not (I think) imagin’d, for he kiss’d me.

Well, he is an affectionate Fellow, I thought — so I then believed I thought, for in Truth, when I look back I find my Thoughts must have been _otherwise_ — and return’d the Kiss. But then Will made to touch my Privy Parts, & I am ashamed to say I struck him, & was like to make outcry — But did you not wish me to touch you, he said, for you kiss’d me. All our Anger, we gave out only in Whispers, & here see how Cupid’s Shaft had struck me already, for I might have rais’d the House, and sent Will to the Pillory. However I didn’t, and later had Leisure to think on that & thank God. Which some will call Blasphemy, but I don’t give a Fig for that.

Will put up his Hands — I’m sorry, he said, I mistook the _Circumstance,_ & out he went. And the Tears were standing in his Eyes.

So I remained alone in the Bed; & heard the Bell strike one a clock, so long did I lie _a-wake_ , with my Thoughts in Confusion.

In the Morning I leaving the Inn met with Will a little along the Road & greeted him in the same Manner as ever; he much downcast, again made me Apologie. I saw his Cheek was black’d where I had struck him and told him what was _true,_ that I was sorry to have met his try’d Seduction with a Blow, for (I told him) I found him a good Fellow & after all many a Man has done greater Wrongs than to seek Pleasure. For I already had it in Mind, that if my Coin should run out & I still without Employment, I must (be the Danger never so great) turn my Hand to Highway-Robbery. & Sodomy seem’d to me no worse a Sinne than that. — So it seem’d to me then; whoever reads this Testament may come to know how changed I am in my Views, so that I don’t think Sodomy any Sin at all.

Now, the Portion of my Tale which follows, takes up (only the Blow I struck ’gainst Will being excepted) the shamefullest Deeds I ever did; tho to be sure I know not what Shift I could have made, for my Days & Nights now were long, and hungry Ones, & cold. I begun by accosting a Rider and, putting my Knife to his Throat, bound him and left him a little Way off the Road. But I left him his Coin and his Cloaths; so he might hope to be found by a _respectable Traveller,_ and brought to his Home. & once hors’d, I seiz’d & robbed sundry Persons along the London Road, until at last I was _taken up,_ and try’d, & swiftly condemn’d.

I wish it to be known that tho’ I was then a great Sinner & committed many a Wicked Crime, no Murther, nor Outrage, did I ever do.

The Day being fix’d for me to swing, I was much afear’d yet even in my Dismay I thought of Will & the evenings we’d past in each other’s Companie. I saw I had been happy, then, & found I didn’t wish to _die,_ without letting him know it, since we had parted on uncertain Terms. I had secreted some small Money about my Person, & this I offer’d a certain Gaoler to get for me the Means of writing a Letter, which having composed it I begged him to post to the Pyed-Horse. In Truth I had small Hope of his carrying out this Commission, & even if he does, I thought, Will may not pay to take a Letter from me; yet I was a little easier in my Mind, on account of _hoping_ it might gladden Will to be remember’d.

So the days past, I busying myself picking Nits from my Garments & thinking of any and every Thing but that I soon must _die._ And what should happen but 3 days before the appointed Hour, the Condemned Cell opens & Will calls my Name. Up I sprung & he taking me by the Arm led me out of that Place.

I wondered greatly, for never had I heard of such a Rescue being done, before, unless of a rich Man or a Lord. When we were well clear of Newgate I stop’d him & said, But are you not _indanger’d_ by this Act? & he, No, we are _fortunate,_ the gaoler is an Acquaintance of mine, of old; he won’t peach us, but put it about that you did Violence to yourself in the Night — wishing to cheat Jack Ketch, you see.

But he trembled. So Cupid’s Dart sank deeper, seeing what Will had done for Friendship of me; I would embrace you in thanks, said I, but that I stinke; Well, he answered me, we must leave London, but I know a Place, where we may remain til to-morrow Night, & leave all unremarked. There you can make yourself _clean_ & get fresh Cloaths. Only, Will said, I don’t know if you’ll mind, for it’s a Molly-house; & he bit his Lip & look’d at me most anxiously.

Mind, said I, no never — for I was that glad to ’scape the Drop, I should’ve gone _anywhere,_ so long as the Way didn’t lead back to Newgate. But I was (tho’ didn’t say so) yet uneasy inwardly. For even then I didn’t _know myself_.

The Molly-house Will took me to, he told me was known to him of old. It might have passed for any Inn, with a Fiddler, & dancing, & kiss-a-corner, but that the pretty Bawds were Men with painted Faces. I won’t tell what Street it stood in, nor even what Quarter of London. Will had took a Chamber there, & he ordered a Bath for me, & Supper. I confess I ate & bathed together, not knowing whether I was more anxious to rid myself of Filth, or to feed my empty Gut, & was glad of Will’s Companie, so that we fell into Talk together as easy as we ever had.

The Hour being very late, & we both having drunk a Quantity of Ale, I asked of him, how he came to be a Sodomite. Faith, said I, you are a handsome enough Fellow, and merry; can you get no Woman, to lie with you; he colouring up at this says, No, I have tried the Experiment, but found it Suited me not at all.

Then I thought, Well after all I have never lain with a Man; so how should I know that don’t suit me? And asked Will, would he let me make a Trial, with him.

He grew _angry,_ & said, Don’t trifle with me, Tom, it’s hard of you to use me so ill, how can you _toy_ with me, &c., till I felt sick with the Shame of it & begged his Forgiveness. But, said I, I don’t mean to toy with you Will, I don’t at all; won’t you kiss me at least, and he did so. & I thought my poor Heart wd burst. Will, I said, I do believe I have mistaken myself before To-night, & would gladly be yr Ganymede, or you mine: only kiss me again & we shall see. So that was how we came first to lie together. It is most truly said, that a Dish made with poor Skill, may yet please better, than the greatest Delices, if the Table be preferred: thus it happen’d that, tho’ I was yet ignorant of the Pleasures that may be had, between Men, and went about the Matter all Cow-handed, yet in the end I was _content,_ as I had never found Myself, before. Will also professed himself well satisfy’d; & so we exchanged many more Kisses, and Embraces, before we rose.

The following Night, we went out from London together & so have remain’d. Will remov’d from Southampton, for a Barber may set up Shop most anywhere, & as for me I lay Bricks & do whatever other honest Work comes to my Hand: I have near enough Coin now to lay in a little Stock of Tobacco & Pipes, & make a Shop of them. So I came to be a Reform’d Highwayman & Unrepentant Sodomite: for I do most dearly love my Will.

[signed]

Tom Mason, who was once _Tom Munn_

1754 

**Author's Note:**

> Hurstpierpoint is what’s called Huspar-Pont in the original pamphlet.
> 
> The Pyed-Horse (Pied Horse) was the name of a real inn that I happened across while reading up on highwaymen; sadly, I forgot to hang on to the reference so I can’t tell you exactly where it was. Not in Southampton, anyway.
> 
>  _Britannia Depicta,_ printed in London by Emanuel Bowen (1720) has a map of Hampshire where you can kinda sorta see how Thomas might have traveled. I also did some browsing in _A Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue_ (3rd ed. [London, 1796]). Both books are available on the Internet Archive. "Cow-handed," meaning of course "awkward," comes from the latter, where I also happened on "bully trap." A bully trap is a brave but mild-mannered or "effeminate" man, "by whom bullies are frequently taken in." I feel like this term should return to wide circulation. 
> 
> I know how absurdly implausible this story is, but sometimes you just want people to be happy.


End file.
